In a committed relationship, the decisions you and your mate make will guide your life together. Whether it's deciding to buy a house, have a baby, or change careers, your decisions will affect the dynamics of your marriage. If you make your decisions based on fear, your marriage will be haunted by insecurities, anxiety, and negative energy. If you make your decisions based on love, your marriage will be touched by nothing but warmth, confidence, and trust. A couple with those emotions will never wind up in marriage counseling.
If you experience difficulty making a particular decision, there is probably some kind of fear involved. To make the best decision possible, use the following steps. First, ask yourself, "What am I afraid of?" It could be fear of losing money, fear that you can't make it on your own, fear that you won't succeed, fear that you'll disappoint someone else, fear that you won't be loved anymore, or fear of losing someone you love. So first, I really want you to face what you are afraid of.
Next, I want you to ask yourself, "If I were coming from a loving place deep inside me, where I knew I was completely safe, that my instincts were trustworthy and my motives were pure, how would I react and what would I say or do?" The answer to this question is sometimes very different than what you would normally do or say. You may be attending individual or couples marriage counseling and the counselor has encouraged you to do whatever makes you happy. The problem with that advice is that once you think about your choices, you realize that there are good and bad consequences no matter what decision you make. So, many times neither decision will make you happy. Sometimes it comes down to which will make you feel "less worse."
I've helped many people make difficult decisions in their life. One of them was Monica, who attended one of my lectures very distraught. She told me that her husband had come home from work a few days ago and had proudly announced that his company was doubling his salary, making him vice president of a new bank, and was moving his family from California to Arizona.
Monica said that all she could think about was how lonely she would be if she had to leave her friends and family behind. She couldn't imagine coping with her nine-month-old baby without the help of her mother. She knew no one in Arizona and didn't make friends easily. She had cried all that night, and in the morning she had told Peter she didn't want to go. Peter left for work that morning without kissing her goodbye for the first time in their marriage. Monica set up an appointment for marriage counseling with a therapist that was recommended by one of her friends.
The counselor told her husband that he had to think about someone other than himself now that he had a wife and baby and he had to take Monica's feelings into consideration. Then she told Monica that there would be no point in making this move if she was going to be miserable. It would only be a matter of time before she would come home as a single mom!
So, you can imagine the state Monica was in when she came to see me. They were no closer to making a decision after their marriage counseling session.
I asked Monica to picture the worst-case scenario, including all of her fears. She did a pretty good job of it. She pictured herself crying every day as she sat by herself in her lonely house with the baby screaming. She felt isolated, depressed, and angry.
I simply asked her if her thoughts were supportive and coming from a loving place. She said, "No, and they are making me miserable."
I asked her to pretend that she was coming from a loving place, a place where she was safe and secure and all of her thoughts were supportive. Then I asked her what she would do or say if that's how she felt. She looked at me as if I were crazy and said, "But I don't feel safe and secure. I'm scared."
I said, "I know that, but if you were coming from a loving place instead of a fearful place, what would you do? Just for a moment, pretend."
Monica said, "Well, if I felt safe and secure, then I would be excited about going. I would tell my husband how proud I am of him and what a wonderful opportunity this would be for us. If I wasn't scared, I'd be excited about buying our first home because the prices are so much lower in Arizona than they are in California."
I did everything I could to convince Monica that she should make her decision from that loving place where faith prevails and not from a fearful place. I'm happy to report that Monica and Peter did move to Arizona. I received a letter letting me know that she had joined a "Mommy and Me" swim class and had made some wonderful new friends. They bought a home in a good neighborhood and a lovely retired couple who lived next door, were delighted to help out with baby-sitting.
If Monica had made her decision based on fear, she never would have stepped out of her comfort zone and experienced a new adventure, and her relationship with her husband would have been damaged, if not destroyed completely.
To live your life in a fearful state is to rob yourself of pleasure and new experiences. More importantly, when you live your life in fear, it is impossible to experience a deep connection with others, especially your mate.
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