No Marriage Left Behind: Staying Connected to Your Congregation

Dr. David Hawkins Director, The Marriage Recovery Center

 

I've never been a pastor, but can only imagine the job being next to impossible. So many people -- so many needs. It's not enough to simply preach and lead the congregation. You must also wear the hat of counselor, friend, cheerleader and CEO. In addition to teaching, you assist at celebrations as well as emotional and medical emergencies. Part pastor, part counselor, you're pulled in hundreds of different directions.

One of the pastor's most important roles is making sure there is no marriage left behind. You want to ensure that every couple is connected, not only to God, but to you as well as caring and concerned people within your congregation.

This task is often too much to ask of any one person or even staff of people. Couples get lost in the shuffle. Statistics tell us that many couples experience a marriage crisis, separate and sometimes even divorce without anyone knowing. They quietly drop out of their caring congregation often never to be seen again.

With the demands of marriage and the challenges of staying connected, couples slip through the cracks—and this is something we want to change. No one wants to see members of our congregation lose their marriage. We cringe upon hearing about a couple who dropped out of church and later divorced. No one wants to know our friends are experiencing marital struggles, yet we often ignore the signs of distress.

How can we stay connected? Last month we discussed how couples can stay connected to their churches. Now let's consider this from the other end: what can your pastoral staff do to ensure there is no marriage left behind? What can your church staff do to ensure every couple is connected to others? What can pastoral staff do to ensure they are connected to every couple, so no couple falls through the cracks?

We want a place where people are so connected to each other that when one cries, we all feel the pain -- when one celebrates, we all share in their joy. That, after all, is one of the most powerful aspects of the church.

Here are a few ideas for your pastoral staff:

First, determine to make the marriages in your congregation a priority. Such a goal will require incredible focus and intentionality. With all of your responsibilities, this huge goal cannot happen without determination. Even with determination and focus, staying connected to every couple, every marriage, will be challenging at best — but it can be done! Here is where small groups, co-pastors, elders and lay leaders can be extraordinarily helpful. 

Second, assume there are great marital needs that you will never hear about. Because having a marriage crisis is still a stigma in many churches, don't be surprised that couples still feel ashamed to ask for help. Because of this fact, you must assume there are significant needs within your church swirling beneath the surface of the Sunday smiling faces. You must adopt an attitude that there are problems, and your task is to discover them.

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